I fucked up.
So I’m just gonna say it, I am a shit person. I potentially may have ruined the most important relationship in my life right now. I am the one thing i hate.
And that sucks.
Hi, my name is Tatiana, and I was at one point invovled with someone via the internet. Yes, hello, I know that it is stupid, naiive, and just fucking ignorant. Yeah well, I did that. Moving on, this person would call me a bunch , text me and and rarely message me on fb. And sometimes I sent photos (don’t lecture me about this. i know.) But anyways, he said a lot of things, and I did too. I am taking responsibility for it. Yes, it happened even if neither of us had zero intentions of eveeer actually meeting or following through with any of it. But that all came to a screeching halt towards the end of last summer in july, I got no explanation but had to accept it.
Months go by and we didn’t talk until recently, he started to message me on fb briefly. He told me he’s been working and now has a girlfriend who he likes very much. We also talked over the phone a few times and he told me his friend has cancer, his other friend had a baby and his brother is graduating from boot camp soon. A couple of times he made suggestive comments to me which i didn’t shut down, I even flirted back (another hugeee reason why I suck).
Well fast forward to now, my boyfriend of three months, who is amazing and has done nothing to ever betray my trust and loves me and is there for me and who i am craaazy like INSANE in love with, found recent messages on my fb from this internet person. No, he is not in the wrong for looking/seeing and I can’t be mad and I am not. Well now he may or may not break up with me. Wanna know why? Because when I thought back to those phone calls with that person i thought about what he said, and for that moment, i liked that thought (another reason i suck). That means even for an instance I thought about being with someone else, and that’s a no. WHY DID I DO THAT?! Oh right, because I’m a piece of shit.
Wanna know something else, I hate myself for doing it. I even felt guilty and did it. I do feel like I would have stopped talking to this internet person on my own because, that’s life….Do you remember when you were younger and would tell yourself, “Ohhh I’d never do drugs or drink or cheat or whatever..”. I said that, about cheating. I don’t think it’s okay, but I did it. Why? Maybe it’s because I’m a fucked up person. Dude, if the roles were switched, I would already be gone, broken up with him, out of his life. I have since deleted this person in my phone and on the fb. I messaged him saying, “I cant talk to you anymore. I’m sorry. Bye. Be good”. And it says he read it, and still hasn’t responded. And i don’t think he ever will.
I don’t deserve my boyfriends respect. I don’t deserve any empathy or forgiveness. I fucking hope he is able to push past it. Because I will do anything I can for another chance with him. I seriously love him so much I can’t even explain. But I fucked it up, I made that choice, it was me. I am the one thing I hate most.